April 15th

Relaxed

There are 2 weeks until finals. I should be writing 3 lab reports, but this post is keeping me awake until my vanilla chai kicks in. That is a weird idea for me. To put off school work is not something I normally do, but I am relaxed. And calm. Also two things that are away from my normal.

This weekend I got together with a cousin and his friend and drank. I rarely drink. One, I am just short of 21, and two, I have a lot going on in my life and don't usually have the time to set aside to sober up. I needed a break this weekend. My poison is rum and coke. I must have much better self control that most people. I know when to stop and still be able to enjoy the feeling. It was beautiful out Saturday night. We were around a bonfire and sat under the stars. I was finally able to just let go and not worry about life and what I was going to do. I could just talk and enjoy the fresh air. No worries about what the guys thought of me. No risk in saying what I believed. I wish I had a way to do that every weekend. Then my sister came out and she always brings this attitude that everything is a competition. "Just let it go, enjoy the night" is what I wanted to tell her all night. My cousin drank too much with her and we had to take care of him the rest of the evening. He was fine the next morning. He slept inside with my sister and I slept on the top bunk of a camper while his friend slept on the bottom bunk. I would never have slept with him, but the whole night I was wondering if I should have slept next to him just to have that connection. I miss that. Even to have given him a hug would have put me at ease. I am just a little needy I guess.

I got a text last night from the guy that I got in a fight with last weekend. The one that I thought would never talk to me again. He was horny and wanted me to come over. It caught me out of the blue and I didn't know how to respond. I still really like him. He doesn't like me that way, or he won't admit that he does. I am not sure I am stable enough mentally after last week to agree to anything. I want to keep talking to him though. I have this underlying fear that everyone has STD's and I know I am clean, so I don't really want to sleep with anyone for that risk. I don't trust anyone to tell me that have something. I don't want to ruin my life just for a fling. I really want him though. I saw him working today while I was studying and all I could think about was him leaning me over one of the tables and making me his lunch.

The guy I asked out that essentially ditched me when we had a date last week found someone that fits his life. I am happy for him. I think he will be happy with her :) Somethings just work out for the best.

I started reading 50 Shades of Gray last night. I can't figure out how to use my credit card points to download books, so I am skimming the free chapters for now. So far I am making way to many connections with the main character. Hopefully it isn't as weird as I am expecting.

Well, I am off to work on my reports. I am content for now. Have a good night everyone.