It is easy for me to open up to someone I don't know and don't expect to ever have a meaningful relationship with. I can blabber on about superficial stuff all day. Sex is a superficial topic to me. It is a heat of the moment, fantasy driven conversation. Magazines post it on the front cover. Talk is cheap. Actually initiating the act freaks me out. It isn't an emotional attachment thing for me, it is an expectation issue. I got too involved with a friend's older brother about 6 or 7 years ago and thought I knew what I wanted. I snuck behind my parents' backs to see him. I really just wanted the friendship connection. What I got was a really weird summer fling-ish thing with a guy that should have known better. He took advantage of the situation. Took advantage of me. And it was totally my fault. Until about six months ago, I considered it essentially rape. Then I really sat down and thought about it and realized I had total control over the situation and lead him on. I was playing this role of a confident girl because I wanted that connection with someone. I wanted to be what he wanted. I was too naive to realize all he wanted was me to get him off, but at the time, I wanted to try that too, just along with the rest of the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I had a previous online relationship, also that I hid from my parents, but that will be a more in depth blog for another day. Anyway, I didn't start out my first relationships in a very stable way, and now I am working through that mess.
I just don't know how to be friends with people. I am a very caring person and want to do everything for that person when I am friends with them. I am brutally honest and my idea of helping someone is not standing behind them and following them blindly in support, but rather trying to educate them on why something is or isn't right and why they need to think things through. That seems to be the wrong way to make friends, or at least to keep them. Growing up I had one really good friend at a time. Then once I was in a relationship, I really only spent time with that one person. I have always worked really hard at my job. I have been working in a vet clinic since I was 13 and really, that has always been okay with me. Just one good friend, and one job, and everything else didn't matter. Now that I am older, I am trying to work through my weird relationship tendencies and by doing that, I realize that I need to branch out and meet and accept new people into my life.
The last guy (the one I finally slept with last week) essentially told me I need to let go and loosen up. After I fell for him, but knew he didn't want anything more than sex with me, and I told him I was seeing someone else and didn't want the sexting relationship with him, I realized that I really do like him. When he plays with his dog, or is working, he is wonderful. He is attractive. Red hair, good dress style, takes reasonably good care of himself (nails trimmed, hair cut, shaves). We fought and that is when he said I just need to let go of myself. The other guy didn't work out of course, so I sent this guy a text saying that he was right, I fucked up, and that I was sorry that I had been so difficult. Truly meaning every word. I think he probably thought I was being sarcastic, but I was really sorry that I was as awful as I was to him the last day. Since then we have had awkward texts, the one night I just showed up at his house, which I really regret now (not the sex, the just showing up unannounced bit). And he hasn't talked to me since that night. It took me about a week, but I really think he is done talking to me. I thought maybe he was busy, and my texts were probably getting annoying, so I refrained but tonight I decided that I should just stop all together. He will find me if he wants to talk. I don't want to get to stalker status. So I blocked him from facebook and deleted his messages. I still have his cell number incase I really do need to get ahold of him, but I might delete that too. I can always get that number later if I need it for something.
The one thing I really want to know though, is was I any good in bed still. I am sure I was awkward since it has been so long, but I want to know if everything was still okay. The endometriosis changes some things, and I just want to make sure I know what he would have told his friends, if he tells them. Constructive criticism is what I am looking for. If I am terrible, I want to know so I can fix it. I am really stressing over that. I wanted to tell him how he was too.. I guess he doesn't want to know, and I should be okay with it, but I have never had this kind of a fling and I don't like it. I could never do a one night stand.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm still working on a writing style for this.
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