It was an interesting week. I started reading, and purchased "50 Shades of Gray". I slept with my crush. Had coffee, well.. chai, with an old class mate. Had frozen yogurt with a current classmate. Decided it was okay to be friends with the guy that ditched me on our first date. And probably most strange for me, I took a photographer that I had just met on a tour of the county, showing him the beauty of our little area.
Where to start...
"50 Shades of Gray"
I find myself having too many connections with the main character of this book. Maybe I am just learning that everyone has the same quirks that we all think are abnormal, so we hide them. I hope so. I have the same snarky attitude when I am mad. I have the same conversations with myself (as she does with her inner goddess, etc.) I push people. I want to know everything. We are both unsure of our looks. We are both jealous and over-analyzers. I have never tried whips or floggers, but I know I like the rest of what she does, when I don't have debilitating endometriosis pain that is. I have never been in a relationship with someone that has personal jets and helicopters though haha.
One revelation I have had from reading this book is that truth and openness are key. As long as there are no shadows and mystery, a difficult situation is made easier. I hope to remain anonymous through my posts so I don't hurt others that I post about, who may not have the same views on this as I do, but outwardly talking about my life is therapy for me. I can sit back and review what I have gone through and that helps me deal with my rough days. I would love for people to post comments or questions if they want to.
Last weekend I helped my department in the college give a presentation to possibly incoming students about why our college was a good one to attend. When I attended this discussion as an incoming student, I was excited to be a part of the school from what the professors and students had said, but it sounded rehearsed. Once I started classes, I realized that those expectations I had about campus (from the presentation I had attended) were not for the average student. I expected a safe campus, respectful students, ease of starting a research project, and help from the staff when I wanted to start a registered student organization (The Pre-Vet Club). What I actually encountered was very disrespectful students, horrible time starting my own research project because of all of the hoops I had to jump through, and the advisor I needed to talk to about starting the pre-vet club was awful. So my key points in the presentation I gave were "We will help you become a better person, that works harder and knows how research really works, and we will teach you some of the most important life lessons - how to deal with people who make your life harder than it should be and how to rock in public speaking". Communication is key. I have probably said this before, but we are only humans, and we can't read minds. Body language is different for every culture. Verbal communication is the only way we are able to equally communicate with everyone and, although there can still be miscommunications, speaking is the best way to show other people your ideas and improve your, and other's understanding of any situation.
I bet if everyone would openly communicate and not hide their ideas and feelings, self esteem would rise greatly for everyone. Stereotypes were developed by an actual issue, not just putting someone down. They may be used in the wrong places, but again, communication would fix that. Obesity is very hazardous to someone's health. When a parent is obese, it puts unneeded stress on the children. That parent is more likely, statistically proven!, to die at a younger age. Maybe if someone spoke up and helped that person understand the importance of losing weight and helped them through the process, instead of just letting them get the way they are, the obese person would have a chance to succeed. If a man would make a respectful comment to a woman, I think women would be more inclined to wear what they are comfortable in instead of being forced to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing to get someone to say how nice they look.
On to my next big adventure. I slept with my crush. I just couldn't take it any more. I enjoy talking to him when he isn't trying to show off and had just read 15+ chapters of 50 Shades. With out texting him, I drove to his house and knocked on the door. In hindsight, that was probably really stocker-like of me. But I wanted him. I am not a big kisser. Actually the thought of essentially licking someone else's mouth and teeth makes me want to throw up. But, he and I had kind of an online relationship first and he described the most sexy way that he would kiss me through typing. That got me. I had to try it. Oh my. His dog is a little crazy but I miss him. I played with his dog for probably 20 minutes until he calmed down and layed on the couch before I could make my move. As you know, Our last two face-to-face meetings didn't go as planned. I wanted to make sure I was comfortable and really going to do this if I started anything. He looked so sexy. He was really tired, full day at work, and he looked like he just took a shower and was getting ready for bed. He has a trashy little apartment in the basement of the house I used to rent. That didn't bother me at all this time. His dog, in his excitement that I was playing with him, stepped on my foot and his toenail dug into the nail bed of my big toe, so I was bleeding, and I didn't care. All I wanted to do was kiss this mans lips and run my hands through his short red hair. When he talks about his dog, or plays with him, he is my dream man. Confident but funny and caring. He wanted to put the dog in the other room but I knew if he did that he would go back to his full-of-himself attitude so I made him leave the dog out. I was on call at work that night, so I had to leave my cell phone on and volume on high. It has been a long time since I had any kind of intimate touch and tried to impress a guy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing and I think he could tell. He is a good kisser, even though he wasn't really trying. I think he was mad at me the whole time. He didn't want me there. I wanted it. Bad. My endometriosis pain was much less than it has been since starting Lupron, and I really fell for this guy. It was nice. He knew what he was doing. When we were done he just got up and took care of it, then kind of stood around like he was waiting for me to leave. I was expecting to talk a little, but he wasn't interested. I am sure he was really tired, so I will accept his speechlessness as not my fault. I went to say good night and put my hand out like I wanted a handshake since he didn't offer a hug, and he looked at me funny, then reached around and gave me something like a bro-hug. With the handshake he pulled me in, then leaned over and put his arm around me. I felt like I should have stepped back and shot him the 2 hand finger gun and winked at him and said "thanks stud" or something like that haha. His smile makes me melt. I know he doesn't like me for anything other than this kind of stuff, but just being around him makes my day better. We don't hang out ever. We either talk on line or I work on homework in the restaurant he works at just hoping he looks at me if he walks by. His dog comes into the vet I work at occasionally, so I get to see him then. He probably has other girls that are the same as me that he sees, but I like to think this is just our secret fling. Although, after just showing up at his house, he was pretty mad at me. So we might not ever talk again. I don't know. I would like to think otherwise. I think he would be fun if it was just us and his dog, maybe if we went hiking or floating down the river this summer...
I am still working on the idea that sex is not all that a guy is looking for. There are some that want to just hang out. Two guys, one from my class, and the other from high school, both wanted to just go out and get food this week. What a nice change. I enjoy just talking to people and hearing how they view the world. The first one is a chemistry major at the school I go to. He sees the world, at least from the little I know about him, as in the moment. He is focused on school and what he is doing this week. The other one, who was in chorus and show choir with me in middle school, then in a lot of my classes in high school, is an arts and history major at a school up north. He sees the importance in communication that I do. He thinks about how people's ideas are skewed and how his actions effect others. He thinks a lot like me, just in the more lofty, humanitarian way, and I think of them in a more fundamental, physical way. I think about how physiology in humans plays a big role in life and decisions, and he thinks about there is a god that makes our decisions for us. We had an interesting conversation and I feel sorry for anyone that was sitting around us with kids haha. It was pretty deep. I love when people really want to discuss a topic, or topics. I am interested in their point of view and I like to openly give my opinion with out risking hurting their feelings.
I have decided that judging people to the extent that I don't want to be around them is pointless. Make judgement to keep yourself safe, but if those judgements keep you from meeting new people and enlightening them or yourself, they are harmful. I went to an arts festival this weekend looking for a picture for my apartment. I was browsing through a set when I came across one that looks exactly like a place in the woods on some property where I grew up. I asked the photographer if it was from that area and he didn't know where I was talking about. So I asked him if he wanted to see it, that I could take him around and show him the county. I have never met this guy before, he was a starving artist, and I just offered him a ride around the county. I was feeling spontaneous I guess. I called and told my parents so if I was missing, they would know where to start looking haha. Okay, not really funny, but I am tired of missing chances to meet people and find people that share my same interests. He must have felt a little worried about me too, because he followed me in his truck instead of riding in my car. He was impressed that our little area, which is NOT known for its state parks and beautiful countryside, actually had some beauty. And, I think, he was impressed that I took the chance and showed him around after just meeting him and purchasing a photo, which now proudly hangs above my bed.
I am slightly more confident. That or I am finally realizing that it is not worth the stress of worry about what others think of me when it comes to my looks. I have a longing to know if I was any good with my crush or if he just did it for his benefit. I want to know what other people think of me just to know, so I don't have to worry if that is what they see or not. It is the uncertainty that I can't deal with. Be honest, be truthful, be respectful. I won't worry about what they think, I just want to know.
I am glad my life goal is to work with animals. They don't care whether you have awful frizzy hair, or chapped lips, or acne. They just want you to care for them and be their companion. They don't lie. They don't use you. They will give a hug, no questions asked, and you don't even have to worry about awkward bro-hugs.
Oh! I think I have a large animal internship this summer. I think I am finally getting a grip on my life. Now if I can make it through the next two weeks of lab reports, lab practicals, chapter tests, and finals.
Good night everyone. Thank you for reading.
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