Finals week

My stress level is manageable this week, but my emotions are high strung. It is finals week. After being sick last week and having to make up tests in the last few days, the finals are making me numb to stress. I went out last weekend to a party my sister's friend had and I brought along the guy from my Orgo Chem class. He is the one I may have mentioned earlier about going out to pizza with after a long lab. He is spunky. I never know what he is going to say or do. He seems innocent but I know he is a want-to-be frat boy. I am not emotionally ready to date someone, and I am reminded of that every time I think I have an attraction to someone. I need to relearn the dating etiquette I think. So, I asked this guy to come with me so that I would have a reason to dress up and feel sexy. Scrubs just aren't flattering. I wore a short blue and white striped dress that had 3/4 length sleeves and a low cut back that had a wide cross strap on my shoulder blades. It was mostly modest. No cleavage, hid bra straps, long enough that I didn't have to constantly worry about exposing myself. I wore earrings (which I haven't done since my sister's wedding in August of last year), painted my nails, and wore makeup. I felt insecure, but pretty hot anyway.

I was impatient since the party didn't start until 10 and I had been ready for hours by the time I picked up my +1. We hung out at my sisters for a little while before heading over and I was trying way to hard to be cool. I failed miserably, but brushed it off since I was going to have fun that night.

We get to the party and I don't know anyone but the host, which made it a little more relaxing for my guest, since he didn't know anyone either. I started drinking immediately. I wanted to get to the secure, higher self esteem version of myself that I had visited a few weekends ago. My +1 started also was drinking, but didn't seem to be feeling it like I was. I don't know if I freaked him out or if he was wanting to go to another party. He brushed against me a few times in a flirting way, and I flirted back. We ended up one of the last groups there since my sister is friends with the hostess, and he and I sat on the couch and sort of snuggled and talked for the last twenty minutes. He never tried to push me to kiss him or touch me. He just laid his arm on me and we talked.

Probably awkward for him, our main topic was of how painless I was at that point. I was buzzed, not trashed at all, and could comprehend everything around me clearly. I couldn't feel pain. I was almost numb through out my body. I probably could have meditated in a crowd of people for how at peace I felt. No endometriosis pain. No headache. No stomach pain. Just me and my thoughts, wrapped in his arms. He was wonderful. I don't know if I like him in that way, and I don't think he likes me like that, but having him give me that little slip of faith that I am worth something to someone let me reach the next level in peace. He said I was talking like I was on heavy drugs. Having the weight of insecurity and self doubt lifted by kind hands probably has the same mental effects as heavy drugs, but I haven't reached that section in my psychology or biochemistry classes :)

Reading "50 Shades of Gray" has sort of opened my eyes to how I feel about myself and how ridiculous it is to feel this way. It is just a book, so I don't hold total faith in it, but how Christian see's himself is sort of how I see myself. I am worth something, but it is not how I want to be characterized to  everyone. I am great at my job, and I love educating people about animal care and thoughts and ideas behind treatment options, and I have kind of become known as the girl to ask pet care questions, but I want to be known as the sort of pretty-in-her-own-way, caring, doesn't take shit, down to earth girl who would really like to flirted with.

I thought I knew who I was. At least who I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to support myself emotionally, not need someone else to spend time with, confident, gets good grades, gets into a good vet program, enlighten as many people as I can on how to live a good life with pets, love and take care of my own pets, be stable. When I moved in to help my grandparents and had to let my pets, my kids, live with my parents, I lost all faith in who I am. I don't have that backbone of someone to look after every day. I am not good at caring for people. I don't deal with arguments or confrontation. Hopefully soon I will believe that I need to take care of myself and understand that I need to be more confident before I can put enough effort into helping others. I am worth something. I just haven't found out what yet. I haven't found my place in the world.

My story is not over. It has just begun.

And in 2 days I will be discussing the option of a hysterectomy to end my endometriosis pain.