Wow this last month and a half has flown by. I went from Lupron to Letrozole and when Letrozole left me whimpering (literally) on the ground at a social get-together, I was switched to Danazole. I went through a few weeks trying to find a couple interested in me being their surrogate and ended up with more pain and no answers. My next appointment is in a week to set a date for surgery. We are talking about taking out one ovary and the uterus, but will most likely just take everything all at once. I have been sure of this decision because of my pain level, but the Danazole does seem to be reducing it for most of the time and when I am not in pain I second guess my decision. I cannot live in this pain: I fail out of classes, can't work efficiently, I am just emotionally unstable. I should accept this as my fate and embrace the notion that I have a treatable condition.
On a brighter note, I love my job and have been promoted to a tech position. In my state, there are few laws regulating what a vet assistant can do (versus a licensed vet tech). I get to be one on one with our vet through out the day and I love it. I have more responsibility and a greater chance to understand procedures and explain them to the pet parents. I get to teach owners how to understand their pets needs, which promotes better care ultimately happier pets. I love leaving the office knowing that I improved a pet's life. I have to get my grades up so I can get into vet school. I have to be able to move on with my life.
It has been a rough day emotionally. My mom is in the hospital with liver problems, I am in more pain than usual, and I screwed up another relationship that was going so close to perfect.
I have decided that some things just need to be kept quiet, I just dont know what those things are yet, clearly. I feel like a new person, with out any previous knowledge of how to communicate with another person. I really think I should just stick with my animals. I understand them and they understand me.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Finals week
My stress level is manageable this week, but my emotions are high strung. It is finals week. After being sick last week and having to make up tests in the last few days, the finals are making me numb to stress. I went out last weekend to a party my sister's friend had and I brought along the guy from my Orgo Chem class. He is the one I may have mentioned earlier about going out to pizza with after a long lab. He is spunky. I never know what he is going to say or do. He seems innocent but I know he is a want-to-be frat boy. I am not emotionally ready to date someone, and I am reminded of that every time I think I have an attraction to someone. I need to relearn the dating etiquette I think. So, I asked this guy to come with me so that I would have a reason to dress up and feel sexy. Scrubs just aren't flattering. I wore a short blue and white striped dress that had 3/4 length sleeves and a low cut back that had a wide cross strap on my shoulder blades. It was mostly modest. No cleavage, hid bra straps, long enough that I didn't have to constantly worry about exposing myself. I wore earrings (which I haven't done since my sister's wedding in August of last year), painted my nails, and wore makeup. I felt insecure, but pretty hot anyway.
I was impatient since the party didn't start until 10 and I had been ready for hours by the time I picked up my +1. We hung out at my sisters for a little while before heading over and I was trying way to hard to be cool. I failed miserably, but brushed it off since I was going to have fun that night.
We get to the party and I don't know anyone but the host, which made it a little more relaxing for my guest, since he didn't know anyone either. I started drinking immediately. I wanted to get to the secure, higher self esteem version of myself that I had visited a few weekends ago. My +1 started also was drinking, but didn't seem to be feeling it like I was. I don't know if I freaked him out or if he was wanting to go to another party. He brushed against me a few times in a flirting way, and I flirted back. We ended up one of the last groups there since my sister is friends with the hostess, and he and I sat on the couch and sort of snuggled and talked for the last twenty minutes. He never tried to push me to kiss him or touch me. He just laid his arm on me and we talked.
Probably awkward for him, our main topic was of how painless I was at that point. I was buzzed, not trashed at all, and could comprehend everything around me clearly. I couldn't feel pain. I was almost numb through out my body. I probably could have meditated in a crowd of people for how at peace I felt. No endometriosis pain. No headache. No stomach pain. Just me and my thoughts, wrapped in his arms. He was wonderful. I don't know if I like him in that way, and I don't think he likes me like that, but having him give me that little slip of faith that I am worth something to someone let me reach the next level in peace. He said I was talking like I was on heavy drugs. Having the weight of insecurity and self doubt lifted by kind hands probably has the same mental effects as heavy drugs, but I haven't reached that section in my psychology or biochemistry classes :)
Reading "50 Shades of Gray" has sort of opened my eyes to how I feel about myself and how ridiculous it is to feel this way. It is just a book, so I don't hold total faith in it, but how Christian see's himself is sort of how I see myself. I am worth something, but it is not how I want to be characterized to everyone. I am great at my job, and I love educating people about animal care and thoughts and ideas behind treatment options, and I have kind of become known as the girl to ask pet care questions, but I want to be known as the sort of pretty-in-her-own-way, caring, doesn't take shit, down to earth girl who would really like to flirted with.
I thought I knew who I was. At least who I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to support myself emotionally, not need someone else to spend time with, confident, gets good grades, gets into a good vet program, enlighten as many people as I can on how to live a good life with pets, love and take care of my own pets, be stable. When I moved in to help my grandparents and had to let my pets, my kids, live with my parents, I lost all faith in who I am. I don't have that backbone of someone to look after every day. I am not good at caring for people. I don't deal with arguments or confrontation. Hopefully soon I will believe that I need to take care of myself and understand that I need to be more confident before I can put enough effort into helping others. I am worth something. I just haven't found out what yet. I haven't found my place in the world.
My story is not over. It has just begun.
And in 2 days I will be discussing the option of a hysterectomy to end my endometriosis pain.
I was impatient since the party didn't start until 10 and I had been ready for hours by the time I picked up my +1. We hung out at my sisters for a little while before heading over and I was trying way to hard to be cool. I failed miserably, but brushed it off since I was going to have fun that night.
We get to the party and I don't know anyone but the host, which made it a little more relaxing for my guest, since he didn't know anyone either. I started drinking immediately. I wanted to get to the secure, higher self esteem version of myself that I had visited a few weekends ago. My +1 started also was drinking, but didn't seem to be feeling it like I was. I don't know if I freaked him out or if he was wanting to go to another party. He brushed against me a few times in a flirting way, and I flirted back. We ended up one of the last groups there since my sister is friends with the hostess, and he and I sat on the couch and sort of snuggled and talked for the last twenty minutes. He never tried to push me to kiss him or touch me. He just laid his arm on me and we talked.
Probably awkward for him, our main topic was of how painless I was at that point. I was buzzed, not trashed at all, and could comprehend everything around me clearly. I couldn't feel pain. I was almost numb through out my body. I probably could have meditated in a crowd of people for how at peace I felt. No endometriosis pain. No headache. No stomach pain. Just me and my thoughts, wrapped in his arms. He was wonderful. I don't know if I like him in that way, and I don't think he likes me like that, but having him give me that little slip of faith that I am worth something to someone let me reach the next level in peace. He said I was talking like I was on heavy drugs. Having the weight of insecurity and self doubt lifted by kind hands probably has the same mental effects as heavy drugs, but I haven't reached that section in my psychology or biochemistry classes :)
Reading "50 Shades of Gray" has sort of opened my eyes to how I feel about myself and how ridiculous it is to feel this way. It is just a book, so I don't hold total faith in it, but how Christian see's himself is sort of how I see myself. I am worth something, but it is not how I want to be characterized to everyone. I am great at my job, and I love educating people about animal care and thoughts and ideas behind treatment options, and I have kind of become known as the girl to ask pet care questions, but I want to be known as the sort of pretty-in-her-own-way, caring, doesn't take shit, down to earth girl who would really like to flirted with.
I thought I knew who I was. At least who I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to support myself emotionally, not need someone else to spend time with, confident, gets good grades, gets into a good vet program, enlighten as many people as I can on how to live a good life with pets, love and take care of my own pets, be stable. When I moved in to help my grandparents and had to let my pets, my kids, live with my parents, I lost all faith in who I am. I don't have that backbone of someone to look after every day. I am not good at caring for people. I don't deal with arguments or confrontation. Hopefully soon I will believe that I need to take care of myself and understand that I need to be more confident before I can put enough effort into helping others. I am worth something. I just haven't found out what yet. I haven't found my place in the world.
My story is not over. It has just begun.
And in 2 days I will be discussing the option of a hysterectomy to end my endometriosis pain.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Normal relationship? doesn't exists
It is easy for me to open up to someone I don't know and don't expect to ever have a meaningful relationship with. I can blabber on about superficial stuff all day. Sex is a superficial topic to me. It is a heat of the moment, fantasy driven conversation. Magazines post it on the front cover. Talk is cheap. Actually initiating the act freaks me out. It isn't an emotional attachment thing for me, it is an expectation issue. I got too involved with a friend's older brother about 6 or 7 years ago and thought I knew what I wanted. I snuck behind my parents' backs to see him. I really just wanted the friendship connection. What I got was a really weird summer fling-ish thing with a guy that should have known better. He took advantage of the situation. Took advantage of me. And it was totally my fault. Until about six months ago, I considered it essentially rape. Then I really sat down and thought about it and realized I had total control over the situation and lead him on. I was playing this role of a confident girl because I wanted that connection with someone. I wanted to be what he wanted. I was too naive to realize all he wanted was me to get him off, but at the time, I wanted to try that too, just along with the rest of the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I had a previous online relationship, also that I hid from my parents, but that will be a more in depth blog for another day. Anyway, I didn't start out my first relationships in a very stable way, and now I am working through that mess.
I just don't know how to be friends with people. I am a very caring person and want to do everything for that person when I am friends with them. I am brutally honest and my idea of helping someone is not standing behind them and following them blindly in support, but rather trying to educate them on why something is or isn't right and why they need to think things through. That seems to be the wrong way to make friends, or at least to keep them. Growing up I had one really good friend at a time. Then once I was in a relationship, I really only spent time with that one person. I have always worked really hard at my job. I have been working in a vet clinic since I was 13 and really, that has always been okay with me. Just one good friend, and one job, and everything else didn't matter. Now that I am older, I am trying to work through my weird relationship tendencies and by doing that, I realize that I need to branch out and meet and accept new people into my life.
The last guy (the one I finally slept with last week) essentially told me I need to let go and loosen up. After I fell for him, but knew he didn't want anything more than sex with me, and I told him I was seeing someone else and didn't want the sexting relationship with him, I realized that I really do like him. When he plays with his dog, or is working, he is wonderful. He is attractive. Red hair, good dress style, takes reasonably good care of himself (nails trimmed, hair cut, shaves). We fought and that is when he said I just need to let go of myself. The other guy didn't work out of course, so I sent this guy a text saying that he was right, I fucked up, and that I was sorry that I had been so difficult. Truly meaning every word. I think he probably thought I was being sarcastic, but I was really sorry that I was as awful as I was to him the last day. Since then we have had awkward texts, the one night I just showed up at his house, which I really regret now (not the sex, the just showing up unannounced bit). And he hasn't talked to me since that night. It took me about a week, but I really think he is done talking to me. I thought maybe he was busy, and my texts were probably getting annoying, so I refrained but tonight I decided that I should just stop all together. He will find me if he wants to talk. I don't want to get to stalker status. So I blocked him from facebook and deleted his messages. I still have his cell number incase I really do need to get ahold of him, but I might delete that too. I can always get that number later if I need it for something.
The one thing I really want to know though, is was I any good in bed still. I am sure I was awkward since it has been so long, but I want to know if everything was still okay. The endometriosis changes some things, and I just want to make sure I know what he would have told his friends, if he tells them. Constructive criticism is what I am looking for. If I am terrible, I want to know so I can fix it. I am really stressing over that. I wanted to tell him how he was too.. I guess he doesn't want to know, and I should be okay with it, but I have never had this kind of a fling and I don't like it. I could never do a one night stand.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm still working on a writing style for this.
I just don't know how to be friends with people. I am a very caring person and want to do everything for that person when I am friends with them. I am brutally honest and my idea of helping someone is not standing behind them and following them blindly in support, but rather trying to educate them on why something is or isn't right and why they need to think things through. That seems to be the wrong way to make friends, or at least to keep them. Growing up I had one really good friend at a time. Then once I was in a relationship, I really only spent time with that one person. I have always worked really hard at my job. I have been working in a vet clinic since I was 13 and really, that has always been okay with me. Just one good friend, and one job, and everything else didn't matter. Now that I am older, I am trying to work through my weird relationship tendencies and by doing that, I realize that I need to branch out and meet and accept new people into my life.
The last guy (the one I finally slept with last week) essentially told me I need to let go and loosen up. After I fell for him, but knew he didn't want anything more than sex with me, and I told him I was seeing someone else and didn't want the sexting relationship with him, I realized that I really do like him. When he plays with his dog, or is working, he is wonderful. He is attractive. Red hair, good dress style, takes reasonably good care of himself (nails trimmed, hair cut, shaves). We fought and that is when he said I just need to let go of myself. The other guy didn't work out of course, so I sent this guy a text saying that he was right, I fucked up, and that I was sorry that I had been so difficult. Truly meaning every word. I think he probably thought I was being sarcastic, but I was really sorry that I was as awful as I was to him the last day. Since then we have had awkward texts, the one night I just showed up at his house, which I really regret now (not the sex, the just showing up unannounced bit). And he hasn't talked to me since that night. It took me about a week, but I really think he is done talking to me. I thought maybe he was busy, and my texts were probably getting annoying, so I refrained but tonight I decided that I should just stop all together. He will find me if he wants to talk. I don't want to get to stalker status. So I blocked him from facebook and deleted his messages. I still have his cell number incase I really do need to get ahold of him, but I might delete that too. I can always get that number later if I need it for something.
The one thing I really want to know though, is was I any good in bed still. I am sure I was awkward since it has been so long, but I want to know if everything was still okay. The endometriosis changes some things, and I just want to make sure I know what he would have told his friends, if he tells them. Constructive criticism is what I am looking for. If I am terrible, I want to know so I can fix it. I am really stressing over that. I wanted to tell him how he was too.. I guess he doesn't want to know, and I should be okay with it, but I have never had this kind of a fling and I don't like it. I could never do a one night stand.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm still working on a writing style for this.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
April 21st
It was an interesting week. I started reading, and purchased "50 Shades of Gray". I slept with my crush. Had coffee, well.. chai, with an old class mate. Had frozen yogurt with a current classmate. Decided it was okay to be friends with the guy that ditched me on our first date. And probably most strange for me, I took a photographer that I had just met on a tour of the county, showing him the beauty of our little area.
Where to start...
"50 Shades of Gray"
I find myself having too many connections with the main character of this book. Maybe I am just learning that everyone has the same quirks that we all think are abnormal, so we hide them. I hope so. I have the same snarky attitude when I am mad. I have the same conversations with myself (as she does with her inner goddess, etc.) I push people. I want to know everything. We are both unsure of our looks. We are both jealous and over-analyzers. I have never tried whips or floggers, but I know I like the rest of what she does, when I don't have debilitating endometriosis pain that is. I have never been in a relationship with someone that has personal jets and helicopters though haha.
One revelation I have had from reading this book is that truth and openness are key. As long as there are no shadows and mystery, a difficult situation is made easier. I hope to remain anonymous through my posts so I don't hurt others that I post about, who may not have the same views on this as I do, but outwardly talking about my life is therapy for me. I can sit back and review what I have gone through and that helps me deal with my rough days. I would love for people to post comments or questions if they want to.
Last weekend I helped my department in the college give a presentation to possibly incoming students about why our college was a good one to attend. When I attended this discussion as an incoming student, I was excited to be a part of the school from what the professors and students had said, but it sounded rehearsed. Once I started classes, I realized that those expectations I had about campus (from the presentation I had attended) were not for the average student. I expected a safe campus, respectful students, ease of starting a research project, and help from the staff when I wanted to start a registered student organization (The Pre-Vet Club). What I actually encountered was very disrespectful students, horrible time starting my own research project because of all of the hoops I had to jump through, and the advisor I needed to talk to about starting the pre-vet club was awful. So my key points in the presentation I gave were "We will help you become a better person, that works harder and knows how research really works, and we will teach you some of the most important life lessons - how to deal with people who make your life harder than it should be and how to rock in public speaking". Communication is key. I have probably said this before, but we are only humans, and we can't read minds. Body language is different for every culture. Verbal communication is the only way we are able to equally communicate with everyone and, although there can still be miscommunications, speaking is the best way to show other people your ideas and improve your, and other's understanding of any situation.
I bet if everyone would openly communicate and not hide their ideas and feelings, self esteem would rise greatly for everyone. Stereotypes were developed by an actual issue, not just putting someone down. They may be used in the wrong places, but again, communication would fix that. Obesity is very hazardous to someone's health. When a parent is obese, it puts unneeded stress on the children. That parent is more likely, statistically proven!, to die at a younger age. Maybe if someone spoke up and helped that person understand the importance of losing weight and helped them through the process, instead of just letting them get the way they are, the obese person would have a chance to succeed. If a man would make a respectful comment to a woman, I think women would be more inclined to wear what they are comfortable in instead of being forced to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing to get someone to say how nice they look.
On to my next big adventure. I slept with my crush. I just couldn't take it any more. I enjoy talking to him when he isn't trying to show off and had just read 15+ chapters of 50 Shades. With out texting him, I drove to his house and knocked on the door. In hindsight, that was probably really stocker-like of me. But I wanted him. I am not a big kisser. Actually the thought of essentially licking someone else's mouth and teeth makes me want to throw up. But, he and I had kind of an online relationship first and he described the most sexy way that he would kiss me through typing. That got me. I had to try it. Oh my. His dog is a little crazy but I miss him. I played with his dog for probably 20 minutes until he calmed down and layed on the couch before I could make my move. As you know, Our last two face-to-face meetings didn't go as planned. I wanted to make sure I was comfortable and really going to do this if I started anything. He looked so sexy. He was really tired, full day at work, and he looked like he just took a shower and was getting ready for bed. He has a trashy little apartment in the basement of the house I used to rent. That didn't bother me at all this time. His dog, in his excitement that I was playing with him, stepped on my foot and his toenail dug into the nail bed of my big toe, so I was bleeding, and I didn't care. All I wanted to do was kiss this mans lips and run my hands through his short red hair. When he talks about his dog, or plays with him, he is my dream man. Confident but funny and caring. He wanted to put the dog in the other room but I knew if he did that he would go back to his full-of-himself attitude so I made him leave the dog out. I was on call at work that night, so I had to leave my cell phone on and volume on high. It has been a long time since I had any kind of intimate touch and tried to impress a guy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing and I think he could tell. He is a good kisser, even though he wasn't really trying. I think he was mad at me the whole time. He didn't want me there. I wanted it. Bad. My endometriosis pain was much less than it has been since starting Lupron, and I really fell for this guy. It was nice. He knew what he was doing. When we were done he just got up and took care of it, then kind of stood around like he was waiting for me to leave. I was expecting to talk a little, but he wasn't interested. I am sure he was really tired, so I will accept his speechlessness as not my fault. I went to say good night and put my hand out like I wanted a handshake since he didn't offer a hug, and he looked at me funny, then reached around and gave me something like a bro-hug. With the handshake he pulled me in, then leaned over and put his arm around me. I felt like I should have stepped back and shot him the 2 hand finger gun and winked at him and said "thanks stud" or something like that haha. His smile makes me melt. I know he doesn't like me for anything other than this kind of stuff, but just being around him makes my day better. We don't hang out ever. We either talk on line or I work on homework in the restaurant he works at just hoping he looks at me if he walks by. His dog comes into the vet I work at occasionally, so I get to see him then. He probably has other girls that are the same as me that he sees, but I like to think this is just our secret fling. Although, after just showing up at his house, he was pretty mad at me. So we might not ever talk again. I don't know. I would like to think otherwise. I think he would be fun if it was just us and his dog, maybe if we went hiking or floating down the river this summer...
I am still working on the idea that sex is not all that a guy is looking for. There are some that want to just hang out. Two guys, one from my class, and the other from high school, both wanted to just go out and get food this week. What a nice change. I enjoy just talking to people and hearing how they view the world. The first one is a chemistry major at the school I go to. He sees the world, at least from the little I know about him, as in the moment. He is focused on school and what he is doing this week. The other one, who was in chorus and show choir with me in middle school, then in a lot of my classes in high school, is an arts and history major at a school up north. He sees the importance in communication that I do. He thinks about how people's ideas are skewed and how his actions effect others. He thinks a lot like me, just in the more lofty, humanitarian way, and I think of them in a more fundamental, physical way. I think about how physiology in humans plays a big role in life and decisions, and he thinks about there is a god that makes our decisions for us. We had an interesting conversation and I feel sorry for anyone that was sitting around us with kids haha. It was pretty deep. I love when people really want to discuss a topic, or topics. I am interested in their point of view and I like to openly give my opinion with out risking hurting their feelings.
I have decided that judging people to the extent that I don't want to be around them is pointless. Make judgement to keep yourself safe, but if those judgements keep you from meeting new people and enlightening them or yourself, they are harmful. I went to an arts festival this weekend looking for a picture for my apartment. I was browsing through a set when I came across one that looks exactly like a place in the woods on some property where I grew up. I asked the photographer if it was from that area and he didn't know where I was talking about. So I asked him if he wanted to see it, that I could take him around and show him the county. I have never met this guy before, he was a starving artist, and I just offered him a ride around the county. I was feeling spontaneous I guess. I called and told my parents so if I was missing, they would know where to start looking haha. Okay, not really funny, but I am tired of missing chances to meet people and find people that share my same interests. He must have felt a little worried about me too, because he followed me in his truck instead of riding in my car. He was impressed that our little area, which is NOT known for its state parks and beautiful countryside, actually had some beauty. And, I think, he was impressed that I took the chance and showed him around after just meeting him and purchasing a photo, which now proudly hangs above my bed.
I am slightly more confident. That or I am finally realizing that it is not worth the stress of worry about what others think of me when it comes to my looks. I have a longing to know if I was any good with my crush or if he just did it for his benefit. I want to know what other people think of me just to know, so I don't have to worry if that is what they see or not. It is the uncertainty that I can't deal with. Be honest, be truthful, be respectful. I won't worry about what they think, I just want to know.
I am glad my life goal is to work with animals. They don't care whether you have awful frizzy hair, or chapped lips, or acne. They just want you to care for them and be their companion. They don't lie. They don't use you. They will give a hug, no questions asked, and you don't even have to worry about awkward bro-hugs.
Oh! I think I have a large animal internship this summer. I think I am finally getting a grip on my life. Now if I can make it through the next two weeks of lab reports, lab practicals, chapter tests, and finals.
Good night everyone. Thank you for reading.
Where to start...
"50 Shades of Gray"
I find myself having too many connections with the main character of this book. Maybe I am just learning that everyone has the same quirks that we all think are abnormal, so we hide them. I hope so. I have the same snarky attitude when I am mad. I have the same conversations with myself (as she does with her inner goddess, etc.) I push people. I want to know everything. We are both unsure of our looks. We are both jealous and over-analyzers. I have never tried whips or floggers, but I know I like the rest of what she does, when I don't have debilitating endometriosis pain that is. I have never been in a relationship with someone that has personal jets and helicopters though haha.
One revelation I have had from reading this book is that truth and openness are key. As long as there are no shadows and mystery, a difficult situation is made easier. I hope to remain anonymous through my posts so I don't hurt others that I post about, who may not have the same views on this as I do, but outwardly talking about my life is therapy for me. I can sit back and review what I have gone through and that helps me deal with my rough days. I would love for people to post comments or questions if they want to.
Last weekend I helped my department in the college give a presentation to possibly incoming students about why our college was a good one to attend. When I attended this discussion as an incoming student, I was excited to be a part of the school from what the professors and students had said, but it sounded rehearsed. Once I started classes, I realized that those expectations I had about campus (from the presentation I had attended) were not for the average student. I expected a safe campus, respectful students, ease of starting a research project, and help from the staff when I wanted to start a registered student organization (The Pre-Vet Club). What I actually encountered was very disrespectful students, horrible time starting my own research project because of all of the hoops I had to jump through, and the advisor I needed to talk to about starting the pre-vet club was awful. So my key points in the presentation I gave were "We will help you become a better person, that works harder and knows how research really works, and we will teach you some of the most important life lessons - how to deal with people who make your life harder than it should be and how to rock in public speaking". Communication is key. I have probably said this before, but we are only humans, and we can't read minds. Body language is different for every culture. Verbal communication is the only way we are able to equally communicate with everyone and, although there can still be miscommunications, speaking is the best way to show other people your ideas and improve your, and other's understanding of any situation.
I bet if everyone would openly communicate and not hide their ideas and feelings, self esteem would rise greatly for everyone. Stereotypes were developed by an actual issue, not just putting someone down. They may be used in the wrong places, but again, communication would fix that. Obesity is very hazardous to someone's health. When a parent is obese, it puts unneeded stress on the children. That parent is more likely, statistically proven!, to die at a younger age. Maybe if someone spoke up and helped that person understand the importance of losing weight and helped them through the process, instead of just letting them get the way they are, the obese person would have a chance to succeed. If a man would make a respectful comment to a woman, I think women would be more inclined to wear what they are comfortable in instead of being forced to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing to get someone to say how nice they look.
On to my next big adventure. I slept with my crush. I just couldn't take it any more. I enjoy talking to him when he isn't trying to show off and had just read 15+ chapters of 50 Shades. With out texting him, I drove to his house and knocked on the door. In hindsight, that was probably really stocker-like of me. But I wanted him. I am not a big kisser. Actually the thought of essentially licking someone else's mouth and teeth makes me want to throw up. But, he and I had kind of an online relationship first and he described the most sexy way that he would kiss me through typing. That got me. I had to try it. Oh my. His dog is a little crazy but I miss him. I played with his dog for probably 20 minutes until he calmed down and layed on the couch before I could make my move. As you know, Our last two face-to-face meetings didn't go as planned. I wanted to make sure I was comfortable and really going to do this if I started anything. He looked so sexy. He was really tired, full day at work, and he looked like he just took a shower and was getting ready for bed. He has a trashy little apartment in the basement of the house I used to rent. That didn't bother me at all this time. His dog, in his excitement that I was playing with him, stepped on my foot and his toenail dug into the nail bed of my big toe, so I was bleeding, and I didn't care. All I wanted to do was kiss this mans lips and run my hands through his short red hair. When he talks about his dog, or plays with him, he is my dream man. Confident but funny and caring. He wanted to put the dog in the other room but I knew if he did that he would go back to his full-of-himself attitude so I made him leave the dog out. I was on call at work that night, so I had to leave my cell phone on and volume on high. It has been a long time since I had any kind of intimate touch and tried to impress a guy. I honestly didn't know what I was doing and I think he could tell. He is a good kisser, even though he wasn't really trying. I think he was mad at me the whole time. He didn't want me there. I wanted it. Bad. My endometriosis pain was much less than it has been since starting Lupron, and I really fell for this guy. It was nice. He knew what he was doing. When we were done he just got up and took care of it, then kind of stood around like he was waiting for me to leave. I was expecting to talk a little, but he wasn't interested. I am sure he was really tired, so I will accept his speechlessness as not my fault. I went to say good night and put my hand out like I wanted a handshake since he didn't offer a hug, and he looked at me funny, then reached around and gave me something like a bro-hug. With the handshake he pulled me in, then leaned over and put his arm around me. I felt like I should have stepped back and shot him the 2 hand finger gun and winked at him and said "thanks stud" or something like that haha. His smile makes me melt. I know he doesn't like me for anything other than this kind of stuff, but just being around him makes my day better. We don't hang out ever. We either talk on line or I work on homework in the restaurant he works at just hoping he looks at me if he walks by. His dog comes into the vet I work at occasionally, so I get to see him then. He probably has other girls that are the same as me that he sees, but I like to think this is just our secret fling. Although, after just showing up at his house, he was pretty mad at me. So we might not ever talk again. I don't know. I would like to think otherwise. I think he would be fun if it was just us and his dog, maybe if we went hiking or floating down the river this summer...
I am still working on the idea that sex is not all that a guy is looking for. There are some that want to just hang out. Two guys, one from my class, and the other from high school, both wanted to just go out and get food this week. What a nice change. I enjoy just talking to people and hearing how they view the world. The first one is a chemistry major at the school I go to. He sees the world, at least from the little I know about him, as in the moment. He is focused on school and what he is doing this week. The other one, who was in chorus and show choir with me in middle school, then in a lot of my classes in high school, is an arts and history major at a school up north. He sees the importance in communication that I do. He thinks about how people's ideas are skewed and how his actions effect others. He thinks a lot like me, just in the more lofty, humanitarian way, and I think of them in a more fundamental, physical way. I think about how physiology in humans plays a big role in life and decisions, and he thinks about there is a god that makes our decisions for us. We had an interesting conversation and I feel sorry for anyone that was sitting around us with kids haha. It was pretty deep. I love when people really want to discuss a topic, or topics. I am interested in their point of view and I like to openly give my opinion with out risking hurting their feelings.
I have decided that judging people to the extent that I don't want to be around them is pointless. Make judgement to keep yourself safe, but if those judgements keep you from meeting new people and enlightening them or yourself, they are harmful. I went to an arts festival this weekend looking for a picture for my apartment. I was browsing through a set when I came across one that looks exactly like a place in the woods on some property where I grew up. I asked the photographer if it was from that area and he didn't know where I was talking about. So I asked him if he wanted to see it, that I could take him around and show him the county. I have never met this guy before, he was a starving artist, and I just offered him a ride around the county. I was feeling spontaneous I guess. I called and told my parents so if I was missing, they would know where to start looking haha. Okay, not really funny, but I am tired of missing chances to meet people and find people that share my same interests. He must have felt a little worried about me too, because he followed me in his truck instead of riding in my car. He was impressed that our little area, which is NOT known for its state parks and beautiful countryside, actually had some beauty. And, I think, he was impressed that I took the chance and showed him around after just meeting him and purchasing a photo, which now proudly hangs above my bed.
I am slightly more confident. That or I am finally realizing that it is not worth the stress of worry about what others think of me when it comes to my looks. I have a longing to know if I was any good with my crush or if he just did it for his benefit. I want to know what other people think of me just to know, so I don't have to worry if that is what they see or not. It is the uncertainty that I can't deal with. Be honest, be truthful, be respectful. I won't worry about what they think, I just want to know.
I am glad my life goal is to work with animals. They don't care whether you have awful frizzy hair, or chapped lips, or acne. They just want you to care for them and be their companion. They don't lie. They don't use you. They will give a hug, no questions asked, and you don't even have to worry about awkward bro-hugs.
Oh! I think I have a large animal internship this summer. I think I am finally getting a grip on my life. Now if I can make it through the next two weeks of lab reports, lab practicals, chapter tests, and finals.
Good night everyone. Thank you for reading.
Monday, April 15, 2013
April 15th
Relaxed
There are 2 weeks until finals. I should be writing 3 lab reports, but this post is keeping me awake until my vanilla chai kicks in. That is a weird idea for me. To put off school work is not something I normally do, but I am relaxed. And calm. Also two things that are away from my normal.
This weekend I got together with a cousin and his friend and drank. I rarely drink. One, I am just short of 21, and two, I have a lot going on in my life and don't usually have the time to set aside to sober up. I needed a break this weekend. My poison is rum and coke. I must have much better self control that most people. I know when to stop and still be able to enjoy the feeling. It was beautiful out Saturday night. We were around a bonfire and sat under the stars. I was finally able to just let go and not worry about life and what I was going to do. I could just talk and enjoy the fresh air. No worries about what the guys thought of me. No risk in saying what I believed. I wish I had a way to do that every weekend. Then my sister came out and she always brings this attitude that everything is a competition. "Just let it go, enjoy the night" is what I wanted to tell her all night. My cousin drank too much with her and we had to take care of him the rest of the evening. He was fine the next morning. He slept inside with my sister and I slept on the top bunk of a camper while his friend slept on the bottom bunk. I would never have slept with him, but the whole night I was wondering if I should have slept next to him just to have that connection. I miss that. Even to have given him a hug would have put me at ease. I am just a little needy I guess.
I got a text last night from the guy that I got in a fight with last weekend. The one that I thought would never talk to me again. He was horny and wanted me to come over. It caught me out of the blue and I didn't know how to respond. I still really like him. He doesn't like me that way, or he won't admit that he does. I am not sure I am stable enough mentally after last week to agree to anything. I want to keep talking to him though. I have this underlying fear that everyone has STD's and I know I am clean, so I don't really want to sleep with anyone for that risk. I don't trust anyone to tell me that have something. I don't want to ruin my life just for a fling. I really want him though. I saw him working today while I was studying and all I could think about was him leaning me over one of the tables and making me his lunch.
The guy I asked out that essentially ditched me when we had a date last week found someone that fits his life. I am happy for him. I think he will be happy with her :) Somethings just work out for the best.
I started reading 50 Shades of Gray last night. I can't figure out how to use my credit card points to download books, so I am skimming the free chapters for now. So far I am making way to many connections with the main character. Hopefully it isn't as weird as I am expecting.
Well, I am off to work on my reports. I am content for now. Have a good night everyone.
There are 2 weeks until finals. I should be writing 3 lab reports, but this post is keeping me awake until my vanilla chai kicks in. That is a weird idea for me. To put off school work is not something I normally do, but I am relaxed. And calm. Also two things that are away from my normal.
This weekend I got together with a cousin and his friend and drank. I rarely drink. One, I am just short of 21, and two, I have a lot going on in my life and don't usually have the time to set aside to sober up. I needed a break this weekend. My poison is rum and coke. I must have much better self control that most people. I know when to stop and still be able to enjoy the feeling. It was beautiful out Saturday night. We were around a bonfire and sat under the stars. I was finally able to just let go and not worry about life and what I was going to do. I could just talk and enjoy the fresh air. No worries about what the guys thought of me. No risk in saying what I believed. I wish I had a way to do that every weekend. Then my sister came out and she always brings this attitude that everything is a competition. "Just let it go, enjoy the night" is what I wanted to tell her all night. My cousin drank too much with her and we had to take care of him the rest of the evening. He was fine the next morning. He slept inside with my sister and I slept on the top bunk of a camper while his friend slept on the bottom bunk. I would never have slept with him, but the whole night I was wondering if I should have slept next to him just to have that connection. I miss that. Even to have given him a hug would have put me at ease. I am just a little needy I guess.
I got a text last night from the guy that I got in a fight with last weekend. The one that I thought would never talk to me again. He was horny and wanted me to come over. It caught me out of the blue and I didn't know how to respond. I still really like him. He doesn't like me that way, or he won't admit that he does. I am not sure I am stable enough mentally after last week to agree to anything. I want to keep talking to him though. I have this underlying fear that everyone has STD's and I know I am clean, so I don't really want to sleep with anyone for that risk. I don't trust anyone to tell me that have something. I don't want to ruin my life just for a fling. I really want him though. I saw him working today while I was studying and all I could think about was him leaning me over one of the tables and making me his lunch.
The guy I asked out that essentially ditched me when we had a date last week found someone that fits his life. I am happy for him. I think he will be happy with her :) Somethings just work out for the best.
I started reading 50 Shades of Gray last night. I can't figure out how to use my credit card points to download books, so I am skimming the free chapters for now. So far I am making way to many connections with the main character. Hopefully it isn't as weird as I am expecting.
Well, I am off to work on my reports. I am content for now. Have a good night everyone.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
April 9th
Prime example of being spontaneous and not being able to read people: my week. My first sort of relationship in 6 months, I screwed up because I didn't think he was good for me. I stopped our relationship because I thought I might have met someone that would treat me better. I should probably give some back ground so here goes nothing.
My ex and I rented a badly managed apartment that was the main floor and attic of an old house. The basement (which used to be a garage/unfinished basement) was slightly renovated so the land lord could rent it out as a separate room. The whole house should have, and could comfortably, sleep 4 people. There was one bedroom in a small section of the attic that the initial owners had made into a kids play room (there was, at one point, a slide that went from the attic to a closet in the living room on the main floor), two small bedrooms on the main floor, and a room that a bed could have gone in (although it had no closet, so it wasn't legally rentable as a bedroom) in the "renovated" basement. When I am in a relationship with someone, I care about them enough for them to be the only one. Probably to a strange extent, the one person is the only one I want to put my energy into. All other men are nonexistent. I would do anything to make them happy. Well, you get the point.
When we broke up and I moved in with my grandparents 6 months ago, I still didn't think anything about the other renter. He had a dog that I liked and that I knew he didn't take care of how I would have liked him to. He was also a college student. He got a newer car when I lived there, I knew he never cleaned his apartment, never finished his laundry, but that was about it. Then, in January, he added me on facebook (well, he was friends with me on facebook, but he must have deleted me because I had another request from him in January... not sure how that works :/). He messaged me and he asked if I was ever interested in him. I outright said no and explained my odd tendency to put all my attention on the person I am dating. We started talking, online of course, since I am terrible at talking to people in person about anything besides animals. Turns out he wanted more than just friendly conversation. I have had a interesting past with online relationships which may come out later, we will just have to see if I trust this site to be anonymous, so I was game. I honestly didn't think he had any emotional attachment. He made it obvious, I thought at least, that nothing in person was going to happen. I have mixed feelings about that and thought I had explained them to him and I thought he was clear that I wasn't comfortable with a lot of what he wanted unless there was going to be something in person. By that I mean a date. Simple, cheap, date. He was always busy when I had time, so it just didn't happen. We never crossed paths around town since I had moved out of the apartment even though I used to hear every conversation he would have with the sports refs on TV... every day. He would text me every few days and we would chat for a while.
Then at the end of January/ early February, I got a message from my ex that I still had stuff in our apartment that I needed to clean out since he was moving. When I was working on cleaning up my stuff, I brought some toys over for the other renter's dog. He came upstairs and talked to me while I packed up the rest of my stuff. He had obviously been drinking but would only admit to "one of two". I, again, can't read people. It is just not one of my gifts. I could tell you just about everything the dog is thinking, but not what a human is. I wanted attention. My ex and I didn't really have physical contact for the last 5 months that we were together (I have endometriosis and was in a lot of pain and emotional stress), so at this point it had been roughly 10 months since I had even really hugged a man that I felt any compassion for. I didn't want to admit that I would have done just about anything for him. I am not very attractive (ear length curly, frizzy hair, awkward body, never wear makeup or jewelry, generally smell like the vet office I work at and I wear scrubs 99% of the time), so I don't ever get the double take on campus or even acknowledgment from most people on campus. So, know this superman came along and was telling me how hot I am. I didn't believe that he really wanted to date me, he just wanted sex. I wasn't at a point that I was okay with that emotionally. Evidently, I was putting off signals that I just wanted to jump on him because he started off with a really shady pick up line. From talking to him when he had his dog in the back yard when I was letting mine out, I never expected him to be that type. It surprised me, but I thought he was just trying to mess with me; that he was just as unconfident as I was, and was just trying to break the ice. I must have done something that just gave him the green light. We kind of made out, then it was getting a little too rough for me. I was really uncomfortable. I have been taken advantage of before, and I didn't want to be again. It must just be my personality. I just want to make him happy. I will try to keep my values, but I put out mixed signals. We both were at fault for this one, but it took a lot for me to accept that I caused the issue.
He didn't talk to me for a couple weeks after that. I was mad at him. Why would he not know boundaries. Then I realized I put up those boundaries, and make the decisions of where those boundaries are. If I am not clear, how is he supposed to know? There is a fine line between assault and misunderstanding.
We started talking again and I was okay with the idea that we were just going to have an online/ texting relationship. I could open up and give him what he wanted that way. I didn't have to worry about all of the physical risks and he didn't have to worry about supporting me emotionally. We continued to have that relationship until Sunday. From now on, I will call this guy Adam.
This is when I fucked everything up.
So a back story to my last 2 weeks of crazy life that lead up to this decision. The last guy I dated before this most recent ex (that I rented the apartment with, who I will call John) was my high school relationship. I will call this guy Jake. Jake and I were together from my sophomore year until after my senior year. We had issues because he didn't believe that I just wasn't able to have sex. And he thought that I was faking pain and feeling like shit because I didn't love him any more. Well, we hadn't really talked until Spring break when I was having a really bad week and he was the only one that I knew I could talk to with out having to explain everything. He came into town and we had lunch. He talked about some of his friends that I knew, but hadn't talked to since we had separated. I added one on facebook. We started talking. We, I thought, hit it off reasonably well. We had a date set for yesterday. I will call this guy Toby.
Last Thursday, John said he was coming back to town and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I agreed before I knew I had anything planned with Toby. I knew it was going to be awkward, but we used to work together before we started dating, so I thought we could be adults about the whole situation. When we met for lunch he told me the dog we adopted together, but that he had his parents take care of while he was out of town, got out of the house and was hit by a car and killed last Thursday. Fabulous. Fucking fabulous. We went out to dinner with other coworkers that night since the place we used to work at is most likely closing in the next few weeks. Now we are caught up to Sunday.
Adam sent me another message and was getting moody that I wasn't immediately texting him back (I was driving and running errands for my grandparents). I decided it was just easier to stop by his house and talk to him face to face and let him know that I really did have boundaries and needed to step back for a while since I was starting to really date someone. He said he was seeing someone too, so I didn't think it was a big deal. We just needed to back off of the sexting. I still wanted to be able to talk to him. We had decent conversations otherwise and he would always answer, even if I texted him at midnight. It was nice to have that stability in my life. Anyway, I stopped by his house to talk face to face and he felt like I was interrogating him. That wasn't my intent at all. I wanted to really talk to him and work things out. We both needed to be put on the back burner. We just ended up fighting. He sent me a text after he left because he wouldn't talk to me while I was there. My abrasive personality at its best. It ended up with me needed to go to sleep for class the next morning and I ended up saying something that he thought was essentially that it was his fault because he pulling the shit he did when he was drunk and I was cleaning out the apartment. I meant it as my idea of him changed when that happened and that it was my fault for it happening, but he took it as sarcasm and got really upset and completely blocked me from facebook. I didn't know that was an option. So when his message finally caught signal and made it to my phone about 20 minutes after he sent it, I couldn't explain myself. So I totally ruined that relationship forever. All for the idea that I might find someone that would be a little more of my type, and that would take me on a date. He ended up wanting an actual relationship with me I guess, after I had convinced myself that I was just a way for him to get off, which I had fully accepted. I was good at that. I was clearly not good at just talking to him.
Monday came and I finished all of my classes, texted Toby to verify that we were still on for the date, and killed some time until he got off work and got ready. I sent him a message about 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up asking if he wanted me to pick him up. No answer. 45 minutes later, called. No answer. Waited another 15 minutes then decided it would be better if I just worked on homework, since the date wasn't going to happen. That is one of the worst feelings, getting rejected completely, at least thinking you got rejected. He sent me a message about 2 1/2 hours after we were supposed to go out saying he was with his grandfather at the hospital. That counts as a reason to miss a date in my book, but a simple text saying something like "sorry, family emergency" would have helped me out. After that we had nothing to talk about. I am sure he has a lot on his mind with sick family. I am clearly not ready to take this stress. I have been drained since Saturday and the lunch with John. I am not worth the shit I throw at people that show interest in me. I can't emotionally support myself when I am in that kind of situation, let alone another person if they are having trouble.
I could have had a decent relationship. Instead I ended one that I had something going for me, and tried to start one that was never going to work.
I need to be more confident, but that scares me. I want to nurture and be the joy in someone's life, not the irritation and depression. I want to meet a good guy in person and be able to talk to him and get my feelings and intentions across.
It hurts to be involved in 4 ruined relationships in 10 days.
My ex and I rented a badly managed apartment that was the main floor and attic of an old house. The basement (which used to be a garage/unfinished basement) was slightly renovated so the land lord could rent it out as a separate room. The whole house should have, and could comfortably, sleep 4 people. There was one bedroom in a small section of the attic that the initial owners had made into a kids play room (there was, at one point, a slide that went from the attic to a closet in the living room on the main floor), two small bedrooms on the main floor, and a room that a bed could have gone in (although it had no closet, so it wasn't legally rentable as a bedroom) in the "renovated" basement. When I am in a relationship with someone, I care about them enough for them to be the only one. Probably to a strange extent, the one person is the only one I want to put my energy into. All other men are nonexistent. I would do anything to make them happy. Well, you get the point.
When we broke up and I moved in with my grandparents 6 months ago, I still didn't think anything about the other renter. He had a dog that I liked and that I knew he didn't take care of how I would have liked him to. He was also a college student. He got a newer car when I lived there, I knew he never cleaned his apartment, never finished his laundry, but that was about it. Then, in January, he added me on facebook (well, he was friends with me on facebook, but he must have deleted me because I had another request from him in January... not sure how that works :/). He messaged me and he asked if I was ever interested in him. I outright said no and explained my odd tendency to put all my attention on the person I am dating. We started talking, online of course, since I am terrible at talking to people in person about anything besides animals. Turns out he wanted more than just friendly conversation. I have had a interesting past with online relationships which may come out later, we will just have to see if I trust this site to be anonymous, so I was game. I honestly didn't think he had any emotional attachment. He made it obvious, I thought at least, that nothing in person was going to happen. I have mixed feelings about that and thought I had explained them to him and I thought he was clear that I wasn't comfortable with a lot of what he wanted unless there was going to be something in person. By that I mean a date. Simple, cheap, date. He was always busy when I had time, so it just didn't happen. We never crossed paths around town since I had moved out of the apartment even though I used to hear every conversation he would have with the sports refs on TV... every day. He would text me every few days and we would chat for a while.
Then at the end of January/ early February, I got a message from my ex that I still had stuff in our apartment that I needed to clean out since he was moving. When I was working on cleaning up my stuff, I brought some toys over for the other renter's dog. He came upstairs and talked to me while I packed up the rest of my stuff. He had obviously been drinking but would only admit to "one of two". I, again, can't read people. It is just not one of my gifts. I could tell you just about everything the dog is thinking, but not what a human is. I wanted attention. My ex and I didn't really have physical contact for the last 5 months that we were together (I have endometriosis and was in a lot of pain and emotional stress), so at this point it had been roughly 10 months since I had even really hugged a man that I felt any compassion for. I didn't want to admit that I would have done just about anything for him. I am not very attractive (ear length curly, frizzy hair, awkward body, never wear makeup or jewelry, generally smell like the vet office I work at and I wear scrubs 99% of the time), so I don't ever get the double take on campus or even acknowledgment from most people on campus. So, know this superman came along and was telling me how hot I am. I didn't believe that he really wanted to date me, he just wanted sex. I wasn't at a point that I was okay with that emotionally. Evidently, I was putting off signals that I just wanted to jump on him because he started off with a really shady pick up line. From talking to him when he had his dog in the back yard when I was letting mine out, I never expected him to be that type. It surprised me, but I thought he was just trying to mess with me; that he was just as unconfident as I was, and was just trying to break the ice. I must have done something that just gave him the green light. We kind of made out, then it was getting a little too rough for me. I was really uncomfortable. I have been taken advantage of before, and I didn't want to be again. It must just be my personality. I just want to make him happy. I will try to keep my values, but I put out mixed signals. We both were at fault for this one, but it took a lot for me to accept that I caused the issue.
He didn't talk to me for a couple weeks after that. I was mad at him. Why would he not know boundaries. Then I realized I put up those boundaries, and make the decisions of where those boundaries are. If I am not clear, how is he supposed to know? There is a fine line between assault and misunderstanding.
We started talking again and I was okay with the idea that we were just going to have an online/ texting relationship. I could open up and give him what he wanted that way. I didn't have to worry about all of the physical risks and he didn't have to worry about supporting me emotionally. We continued to have that relationship until Sunday. From now on, I will call this guy Adam.
This is when I fucked everything up.
So a back story to my last 2 weeks of crazy life that lead up to this decision. The last guy I dated before this most recent ex (that I rented the apartment with, who I will call John) was my high school relationship. I will call this guy Jake. Jake and I were together from my sophomore year until after my senior year. We had issues because he didn't believe that I just wasn't able to have sex. And he thought that I was faking pain and feeling like shit because I didn't love him any more. Well, we hadn't really talked until Spring break when I was having a really bad week and he was the only one that I knew I could talk to with out having to explain everything. He came into town and we had lunch. He talked about some of his friends that I knew, but hadn't talked to since we had separated. I added one on facebook. We started talking. We, I thought, hit it off reasonably well. We had a date set for yesterday. I will call this guy Toby.
Last Thursday, John said he was coming back to town and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I agreed before I knew I had anything planned with Toby. I knew it was going to be awkward, but we used to work together before we started dating, so I thought we could be adults about the whole situation. When we met for lunch he told me the dog we adopted together, but that he had his parents take care of while he was out of town, got out of the house and was hit by a car and killed last Thursday. Fabulous. Fucking fabulous. We went out to dinner with other coworkers that night since the place we used to work at is most likely closing in the next few weeks. Now we are caught up to Sunday.
Adam sent me another message and was getting moody that I wasn't immediately texting him back (I was driving and running errands for my grandparents). I decided it was just easier to stop by his house and talk to him face to face and let him know that I really did have boundaries and needed to step back for a while since I was starting to really date someone. He said he was seeing someone too, so I didn't think it was a big deal. We just needed to back off of the sexting. I still wanted to be able to talk to him. We had decent conversations otherwise and he would always answer, even if I texted him at midnight. It was nice to have that stability in my life. Anyway, I stopped by his house to talk face to face and he felt like I was interrogating him. That wasn't my intent at all. I wanted to really talk to him and work things out. We both needed to be put on the back burner. We just ended up fighting. He sent me a text after he left because he wouldn't talk to me while I was there. My abrasive personality at its best. It ended up with me needed to go to sleep for class the next morning and I ended up saying something that he thought was essentially that it was his fault because he pulling the shit he did when he was drunk and I was cleaning out the apartment. I meant it as my idea of him changed when that happened and that it was my fault for it happening, but he took it as sarcasm and got really upset and completely blocked me from facebook. I didn't know that was an option. So when his message finally caught signal and made it to my phone about 20 minutes after he sent it, I couldn't explain myself. So I totally ruined that relationship forever. All for the idea that I might find someone that would be a little more of my type, and that would take me on a date. He ended up wanting an actual relationship with me I guess, after I had convinced myself that I was just a way for him to get off, which I had fully accepted. I was good at that. I was clearly not good at just talking to him.
Monday came and I finished all of my classes, texted Toby to verify that we were still on for the date, and killed some time until he got off work and got ready. I sent him a message about 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up asking if he wanted me to pick him up. No answer. 45 minutes later, called. No answer. Waited another 15 minutes then decided it would be better if I just worked on homework, since the date wasn't going to happen. That is one of the worst feelings, getting rejected completely, at least thinking you got rejected. He sent me a message about 2 1/2 hours after we were supposed to go out saying he was with his grandfather at the hospital. That counts as a reason to miss a date in my book, but a simple text saying something like "sorry, family emergency" would have helped me out. After that we had nothing to talk about. I am sure he has a lot on his mind with sick family. I am clearly not ready to take this stress. I have been drained since Saturday and the lunch with John. I am not worth the shit I throw at people that show interest in me. I can't emotionally support myself when I am in that kind of situation, let alone another person if they are having trouble.
I could have had a decent relationship. Instead I ended one that I had something going for me, and tried to start one that was never going to work.
I need to be more confident, but that scares me. I want to nurture and be the joy in someone's life, not the irritation and depression. I want to meet a good guy in person and be able to talk to him and get my feelings and intentions across.
It hurts to be involved in 4 ruined relationships in 10 days.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
April 1st
Hello.
I am a college student, in the prime of my life, with nothing to show for it. I have never been a part of a group of friends. I was in a choral group in middle school, but was never good friends with anyone. My one best friend growing up and I separated in middle school when she started hanging out with people I thought weren't good enough for her. That is one of my faults. I think I must care about the wrong things.
I moved in with my grandparents when my grandpa found out he has cancer and my grandma was fighting pneumonia. My ex-boyfriend and I had just broken up and I hadn't found a new apartment to move into yet. It just happened that my grandparents had a guest room put into the garage last summer, so I moved in. More on my relationships will come later. I was diagnosed with endometriosis four months ago. I started Lupron the day before Valentines this year. I am generally an emotional wreck. I am not confident. I have a bad body image. I am always anxious.
There are probably thousands of these types of blogs out there. The ones where a girl feels sorry for herself and blabbers on. Well, this will be one more. I think I am too crazy to speak this information to anyone, and by typing it I don't have to feel judged. I am not expecting anyone to read what I have to say, I just need to get it out.
Today is April 1st. I was on call for the vet clinic I work for this weekend and was on kennel duty. This means that I took care of our boarders and was on call for emergencies. I love my job, but I don't think it will be there forever. I work at a small practice in a small town. We are doing well financially, and I have great bosses; I just see the repairs taking longer to complete and we aren't looking into new products and services like we had a few years ago. I may be looking into this too much, also one of my faults. I just hope it thrives until I get into vet school. I got a wage raise this week.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I just want to drive away from everything and start a new life somewhere else. But that scares me too. I just fuck everything up and my life goal is to stop fucking things up. I can't communicate clearly when I speak. I can't read other people's emotions. I feel spontaneous, but I know what I want to do would effect other people in my life and I don't want to screw everything up. I can't figure out a good balance. I take everything too personally. Unless I am at work at the clinic, I am useless.
I am a college student, in the prime of my life, with nothing to show for it. I have never been a part of a group of friends. I was in a choral group in middle school, but was never good friends with anyone. My one best friend growing up and I separated in middle school when she started hanging out with people I thought weren't good enough for her. That is one of my faults. I think I must care about the wrong things.
I moved in with my grandparents when my grandpa found out he has cancer and my grandma was fighting pneumonia. My ex-boyfriend and I had just broken up and I hadn't found a new apartment to move into yet. It just happened that my grandparents had a guest room put into the garage last summer, so I moved in. More on my relationships will come later. I was diagnosed with endometriosis four months ago. I started Lupron the day before Valentines this year. I am generally an emotional wreck. I am not confident. I have a bad body image. I am always anxious.
There are probably thousands of these types of blogs out there. The ones where a girl feels sorry for herself and blabbers on. Well, this will be one more. I think I am too crazy to speak this information to anyone, and by typing it I don't have to feel judged. I am not expecting anyone to read what I have to say, I just need to get it out.
Today is April 1st. I was on call for the vet clinic I work for this weekend and was on kennel duty. This means that I took care of our boarders and was on call for emergencies. I love my job, but I don't think it will be there forever. I work at a small practice in a small town. We are doing well financially, and I have great bosses; I just see the repairs taking longer to complete and we aren't looking into new products and services like we had a few years ago. I may be looking into this too much, also one of my faults. I just hope it thrives until I get into vet school. I got a wage raise this week.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I just want to drive away from everything and start a new life somewhere else. But that scares me too. I just fuck everything up and my life goal is to stop fucking things up. I can't communicate clearly when I speak. I can't read other people's emotions. I feel spontaneous, but I know what I want to do would effect other people in my life and I don't want to screw everything up. I can't figure out a good balance. I take everything too personally. Unless I am at work at the clinic, I am useless.
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