April 9th

Prime example of being spontaneous and not being able to read people: my week. My first sort of relationship in 6 months, I screwed up because I didn't think he was good for me. I stopped our relationship because I thought I might have met someone that would treat me better. I should probably give some back ground so here goes nothing.

My ex and I rented a badly managed apartment that was the main floor and attic of an old house. The basement (which used to be a garage/unfinished basement) was slightly renovated so the land lord could rent it out as a separate room. The whole house should have, and could comfortably, sleep 4 people. There was one bedroom in a small section of the attic that the initial owners had made into a kids play room (there was, at one point, a slide that went from the attic to a closet in the living room on the main floor), two small bedrooms on the main floor, and a room that a bed could have gone in (although it had no closet, so it wasn't legally rentable as a bedroom) in the "renovated" basement. When I am in a relationship with someone, I care about them enough for them to be the only one. Probably to a strange extent, the one person is the only one I want to put my energy into. All other men are nonexistent. I would do anything to make them happy. Well, you get the point.

When we broke up and I moved in with my grandparents 6 months ago, I still didn't think anything about the other renter. He had a dog that I liked and that I knew he didn't take care of how I would have liked him to. He was also a college student. He got a newer car when I lived there, I knew he never cleaned his apartment, never finished his laundry, but that was about it. Then, in January, he added me on facebook (well, he was friends with me on facebook, but he must have deleted me because I had another request from him in January... not sure how that works :/). He messaged me and he asked if I was ever interested in him. I outright said no and explained my odd tendency to put all my attention on the person I am dating. We started talking, online of course, since I am terrible at talking to people in person about anything besides animals. Turns out he wanted more than just friendly conversation. I have had a interesting past with online relationships which may come out later, we will just have to see if I trust this site to be anonymous, so I was game. I honestly didn't think he had any emotional attachment. He made it obvious, I thought at least, that nothing in person was going to happen. I have mixed feelings about that and thought I had explained them to him and I thought he was clear that I wasn't comfortable with a lot of what he wanted unless there was going to be something in person. By that I mean a date. Simple, cheap, date. He was always busy when I had time, so it just didn't happen. We never crossed paths around town since I had moved out of the apartment even though I used to hear every conversation he would have with the sports refs on TV... every day. He would text me every few days and we would chat for a while.

Then at the end of January/ early February, I got a message from my ex that I still had stuff in our apartment that I needed to clean out since he was moving. When I was working on cleaning up my stuff, I brought some toys over for the other renter's dog. He came upstairs and talked to me while I packed up the rest of my stuff. He had obviously been drinking but would only admit to "one of two".  I, again, can't read people. It is just not one of my gifts. I could tell you just about everything the dog is thinking, but not what a human is. I wanted attention. My ex and I didn't really have physical contact for the last 5 months that we were together (I have endometriosis and was in a lot of pain and emotional stress), so at this point it had been roughly 10 months since I had even really hugged a man that I felt any compassion for. I didn't want to admit that I would have done just about anything for him. I am not very attractive (ear length curly, frizzy hair, awkward body, never wear makeup or jewelry, generally smell like the vet office I work at and I wear scrubs 99% of the time), so I don't ever get the double take on campus or even acknowledgment from most people on campus. So, know this superman came along and was telling me how hot I am. I didn't believe that he really wanted to date me, he just wanted sex. I wasn't at a point that I was okay with that emotionally. Evidently, I was putting off signals that I just wanted to jump on him because he started off with a really shady pick up line. From talking to him when he had his dog in the back yard when I was letting mine out, I never expected him to be that type. It surprised me, but I thought he was just trying to mess with me; that he was just as unconfident as I was, and was just trying to break the ice. I must have done something that just gave him the green light. We kind of made out, then it was getting a little too rough for me. I was really uncomfortable. I have been taken advantage of before, and I didn't want to be again. It must just be my personality. I just want to make him happy. I will try to keep my values, but I put out mixed signals. We both were at fault for this one, but it took a lot for me to accept that I caused the issue.

He didn't talk to me for a couple weeks after that. I was mad at him. Why would he not know boundaries. Then I realized I put up those boundaries, and make the decisions of where those boundaries are. If I am not clear, how is he supposed to know? There is a fine line between assault and misunderstanding.

We started talking again and I was okay with the idea that we were just going to have an online/ texting relationship. I could open up and give him what he wanted that way. I didn't have to worry about all of the physical risks and he didn't have to worry about supporting me emotionally. We continued to have that relationship until Sunday. From now on, I will call this guy Adam.

This is when I fucked everything up.

So a back story to my last 2 weeks of crazy life that lead up to this decision. The last guy I dated before this most recent ex (that I rented the apartment with, who I will call John) was my high school relationship. I will call this guy Jake. Jake and I were together from my sophomore year until after my senior year. We had issues because he didn't believe that I just wasn't able to have sex. And he thought that I was faking pain and feeling like shit because I didn't love him any more. Well, we hadn't really talked until Spring break when I was having a really bad week and he was the only one that I knew I could talk to with out having to explain everything. He came into town and we had lunch. He talked about some of his friends that I knew, but hadn't talked to since we had separated. I added one on facebook. We started talking. We, I thought, hit it off reasonably well. We had a date set for yesterday. I will call this guy Toby.

Last Thursday, John said he was coming back to town and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I agreed before I knew I had anything planned with Toby. I knew it was going to be awkward, but we used to work together before we started dating, so I thought we could be adults about the whole situation. When we met for lunch he told me the dog we adopted together, but that he had his parents take care of while he was out of town, got out of the house and was hit by a car and killed last Thursday. Fabulous. Fucking fabulous. We went out to dinner with other coworkers that night since the place we used to work at is most likely closing in the next few weeks. Now we are caught up to Sunday.

Adam sent me another message and was getting moody that I wasn't immediately texting him back (I was driving and running errands for my grandparents). I decided it was just easier to stop by his house and talk to him face to face and let him know that I really did have boundaries and needed to step back for a while since I was starting to really date someone. He said he was seeing someone too, so I didn't think it was a big deal. We just needed to back off of the sexting. I still wanted to be able to talk to him. We had decent conversations otherwise and he would always answer, even if I texted him at midnight. It was nice to have that stability in my life. Anyway, I stopped by his house to talk face to face and he felt like I was interrogating him. That wasn't my intent at all. I wanted to really talk to him and work things out. We both needed to be put on the back burner. We just ended up fighting. He sent me a text after he left because he wouldn't talk to me while I was there. My abrasive personality at its best. It ended up with me needed to go to sleep for class the next morning and I ended up saying something that he thought was essentially that it was his fault because he pulling the shit he did when he was drunk and I was cleaning out the apartment. I meant it as my idea of him changed when that happened and that it was my fault for it happening, but he took it as sarcasm and got really upset and completely blocked me from facebook. I didn't know that was an option. So when his message finally caught signal and made it to my phone about 20 minutes after he sent it, I couldn't explain myself. So I totally ruined that relationship forever. All for the idea that I might find someone that would be a little more of my type, and that would take me on a date. He ended up wanting an actual relationship with me I guess, after I had convinced myself that I was just a way for him to get off, which I had fully accepted. I was good at that. I was clearly not good at just talking to him.

Monday came and I finished all of my classes, texted Toby to verify that we were still on for the date, and killed some time until he got off work and got ready. I sent him a message about 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up asking if he wanted me to pick him up. No answer. 45 minutes later, called. No answer. Waited another 15 minutes then decided it would be better if I just worked on homework, since the date wasn't going to happen. That is one of the worst feelings, getting rejected completely, at least thinking you got rejected. He sent me a message about 2 1/2 hours after we were supposed to go out saying he was with his grandfather at the hospital. That counts as a reason to miss a date in my book, but a simple text saying something like "sorry, family emergency" would have helped me out. After that we had nothing to talk about. I am sure he has a lot on his mind with sick family. I am clearly not ready to take this stress. I have been drained since Saturday and the lunch with John. I am not worth the shit I throw at people that show interest in me. I can't emotionally support myself when I am in that kind of situation, let alone another person if they are having trouble.

I could have had a decent relationship. Instead I ended one that I had something going for me, and tried to start one that was never going to work.

I need to be more confident, but that scares me. I want to nurture and be the joy in someone's life, not the irritation and depression. I want to meet a good guy in person and be able to talk to him and get my feelings and intentions across.

It hurts to be involved in 4 ruined relationships in 10 days.